Supportive Listening

[anonymous_listener]

I have a friend and she has problems with dating and often calls me to tell/cry into my shoulder. I used to always say "Don't worry it is going to be fine."

But yesterday, she said "You always say it is going to be OK, but look, nothing changes...".

My question to you, how can I be a better listener? Basically I do not know how to respond to her, and what to do to help her "feel better."
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(posted on behalf of an anonymous listener)

[Eran]

What a great question. We often want to help people and make them feel better, and sometimes this leads us to make promises we can't keep, like "everything will be okay." But how else can we make them feel better?

The big question is: Is it really our job to *make* them feel better? Or perhaps it's just to provide a supportive, loving space in which they can feel whatever they want?
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- Eran

@-`-,-'--

Have You visited http://www.TheHungerSite.com today? You really get to send food to hungry people, and it really only costs You 5 seconds and a click.

[paul]

Thanks for the question.

My sense is that you really care about this friend, and you really want to provide support. And what you're finding is that a very well meaning thing like "Don't worry it is going to be fine" doesn't go over well.

I'll share my thoughts on why this doesn't go over well, and then give ideas on other things that you might try. (If we were talking in person, I'd probably ask you 'What else do you think would be helpful?' or 'What's helpful for you when someone is listening for you?' but alas, we're online.)

A challenge with "Don't worry" is that it's directing the person to feel differently than how they do. So let's say I'm the friend, and I'm genuinely worried, and I go to you and admit "I'm worried" and you respond "Don't worry" then I'm in a bind. I really *am* worried, but you're telling me to *not* worry, and I tried that, but I couldn't pull it off. Now I don't know what to do. Now I'm not only worried, but it seems like you're not comfortable with, not accepting of, my worry.

Now to be fair, I don't think you consciously meant it that way, that you consciously meant to "not accept" your friend. Because let's face it, it's no picnic to be around a worried person.

Ahh, and here is the work for you, and what you can do to help. The more you can accept that your friend is worried, and not freak out about that, just be there with it, the more your friend can start to explore that worry.

I don't mean that your friend would deep end into the worry and be all consumed by it, but rather that with your calm connection, she'd be able to take a small step back and consider what's going on.

The key here, the moment of truth, is when she first says "I'm so upset about this," and waits to see your reaction. If you can hang in there, stay calm, and let her talk, then you're doing a great service.

So I offer to you that that's you're work--see how calm and comfortable you can get with her being concerned. Remember that much learning can come from struggle! So your friend may just be in a period of great learning, and not need rescuing from that.

A few caveats, though:

* Are you OK being the designated listener in these situations? Does it feel healthy? Or does it feel like a drain? Please take care of yourself, and don't give more listening than you can provide happily.

* If your friend revisits the same issues over and over again, with no signs of change, she may benefit from talking to a trained counselor or therapist. Supportive Listening is great for everyday issues, but for more serious and ongoing challenges, a trained professional is most appropriate.

Paul.
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Paul Konasewich
http://supportivelistening.org